I pushed the dagger into my chest and tore it down a little. Then I gasped… held it…

I pushed the right hand of mine which is believed to be badge for righteous, into the wound, and grabbed hold of my broken heart with all the strength I had left… I took it away from my body. The heart which would not like to work any more. Then I placed in on the dusty floor of my attic.

Before stabbing it with the dagger, I could see that the blood stains would darken into dust… I could see that the broken heart of mine was fading in beating! The one which was trying to take my life was about to die by myself…

My vision was soon blurred by the tears of pleasure welling up into my eyes.

Before everything went off, I had reached the edge of the opened window of the attic, beneath of which an ocean was placed!
And I felt my body falling backward off the window…

Crashed into the ocean below… and the stains of the blood was about to saturate in the churning water of the ocean.

I didn’t feel the pain. I was sinking, with a smile placed on my face. The water flowed into my lungs, and I sunk deep into the ocean with a cheerful look…

Death is where I belonged…

Steam fills the room. Hot water drapes my body as my hair falls into my face. It's so warm here, so comforting. This one place where I know that I'm all alone, the place where no one can bother me, and where my thoughts are suddenly taken away.

It's so warm here,
so cold out there.
It feels good to breathe,
take in all the hot air.
Let my mind go,
and my senses grow...
as I'm enveloped in the water.

I'll forget who I am,
if just for a moment.
It feels like a piece of heaven...
...or like a romantic sonnet.
All by myself, soap on my shoulder,
I wish this was never over.

The story of a night

“The night in which my wife asked me to dine out with another woman...”

After years of living with my wife, she asked me to go out with another woman. She told me that she loved me… however she was sure that the third person would definitely love me too, and would enjoy being with me!

That night I called the woman whom I talked about in order to go out and to go to the movies.

Being so worried, she asked me if something had happened! She was sort of those people who consider calling at that time of the night and inviting for dinner as a sign of misfortune or bad luck. “Doesn’t it strike you as a brilliant idea to be with each other after a long time, hon?!”  I asked.

“I sure love it dear” she said.

That Friday, when I wanted to take her out, I was feeling sort of anxious and so was she, wearing the dress which she had worn in her last marriage anniversary, and doing her hair up… She was grinning with a bright face of hers…. While getting in the car, she told me that she had told her friends that she was with me that night.

We got to a restaurant which was not luxurious. However it was quiet cosy. She was holding my hands as if she was the first lady.

Keeping the menu in my hands, reading it, looking at her face, I saw that she was gazing at me, remembering the old memories of mine. She told that she could remember the time when we used to go out and she was the one who was reading the menu. “Now, its my turn to read it and you rest!” I said.

We talked and talked that we were lost for time and couldn’t go to the pictures.

We I took her home, she told that she would come with me again in case that she would trade and I accepted.

“Wasn’t it great, hon?!” my wife asked after I got home.

“It was much better than what I had imagined it would be…” I told.

Days later my mother died of a heart attack and everything happened so fast that I couldn’t even do anything.

Some nights later, I received a parcel containing some copies of the receipt of the restaurant we had gone to that night, with a letter attached to it:

“I don’t know if I will be there or not… but I have paid the costs for two people. One for you and another for your wife. And you can’t understand how much important that night was to me! I love you my son”

Yeah! You are right… The other woman was my own mother. And now, she has gone forever. However her memory will linger on in my mind forever.

At that time I got how important it would be to say one the sentence “I Love You” and specify a certain time to each one.

Specify a certain time to your beloveds…

Today would be better than yesterday or tomorrow.

The End*Based on a true story

When I feel low!

You know, it's heart… sometimes it feels under the weather and just wants to write…

I write a line or two… and it reminds me of you… of the one whom I've always loved…

The heart that I was talking about, craves you and wants to be near to you…

I just grab the old pencil of mine which you had given me years ago, and start to write.. to write about my love…

But you know what?!... It just can't describe your characteristics… your nice being…

Sometimes, I think that I'd better not write, cause I can't explain the shiny black eyes of yours… the one which has caused lots of those who looked at them, fainted.

While having that pencil in my right hand, I look at the photo of yours I'm holding in the other one… The photo I had taken years ago…

You know which one I'm talking about?!...

Sure you know…

Let me see…

There is a hut behind… a brown one! The clouds… Want to say something… yeah! I can feel it in my bone…they're talking to me…

They wanna cry… You know why?!... Cause there, my other half, is losing the pearls of hers… There is something else… Yeah! I'm not mistaken…

A look… from those shiny black eyes with pearls inside…

Now that I'm sleeping on it, I'm dubious whether I've been there!

Oh my God… Have I really been there?! Or…

I don't know… Maybe I hadn't been born yet…

God! What's up?!

Why are they looking at me? The clouds, the sun, the mountains, the horse in the other side and in the end, you, God. You are looking at me…

There is something in my hand… in the right one! I thought it was the pencil… Jesus Christ!... what's that? A knife? With blood spots on?! How Come!...

Oh my God… There in the picture! It was you a sec ago… and now! A corpse… A corpse bride….

Let me see the body! Hum…the body! As if there is nothing under that dress…

The face!... Lots of blood stains on! Can't read the face… Yeah… let me wipe it off… there it is…

Oh my God! Jesus Christ! That's you… yeah… that's it… but… you were alive and now… as if it's years your dead… Am I dreaming? Or… Am I alive at all? Have I ever lived on this damn earth?

Oh… What's happening… Someone sure is taking me somewhere… what's that speed?!... Can't believe it…

Silence is everywhere! Think it's gone!... Thank God… Finished…

Let me open my eyes… There is someone… I can just see the head… White hair… partially white beard…hum…he's old…at his mid 60s…Holy shit…It's a mirror…That's me…God…Where am I? A cell or something alike?…why?

There is someone else here...sounds he knows me..

"Enrique! What's up man?! You hear me?!" he said.

"Yeah! You called me…Enrique?!"

"fooling me? Sure I'm calling you, coz it's you fucking name!" he said.

"Why am I here?!"

"Are you kidding me, En?! You don't know why you're here?!... we've been living here for years… You killed your wife about 40 years ago… with a knife… in the honey moon… You remember? Oh no… guess you have forgotten it again.. take a fucking short nap…" he said.

Yeah! He was right. I was not dreaming or something… It was all a flashback to the time I killed my other half. Actually, it was not me who killed her…it was my alter ego…it was jack…sometimes he talks to me…I can remember the last time he did so…it's years that I haven't heard his sound… the last time!... was when I killed my wife…and now... I'm alone in the dark...

…She had a CRUSH on Parham…

It was about two years ago about the New Year! One night, barely had I returned home that I heard a sound. A simple bell ringing… wondering who could be, I just hurried to open the door! The weather was sort of cool and the darkness had covered every single place! The smell of humidity had spread out in the air. As I had the door unsealed, I saw a silhouette amazed at the door!

Yeah, he was Parham, my only best friend whom I have been with for years since we’re born. There he was! But, what was the reason of being so quiet and not like ever?!...

“Hi dude! Nice shirt, a black one with the word “Co-Co” on it! How are you?! “I said.

Pausing for hearing something, I just heard nothing. Suddenly a rough loud sound broke the silence which was between us! He began crying out!

I was so shocked that I really didn’t know what to do! We had used to walking out every night, explaining the whole day and the events we had had. However, that night was kind of sorrowful!

“What’s up, man?! “ I asked.

“Enrique, I’ve lost my dad. He will never come back! He’s dead.” said Parham as he was still sobbing…

That was the first time that I could see a river, full of drops of tear, bursting its banks in his shinny dark brown eyes! Yes, his eyes were so red as if all the capillaries had cut.

Feeling so sorry about what I’d already heard, hugging him for seconds, holding him so tight, just tried to calm him down. We passed four or five hours only speaking to each other.

The goddamn heart attack had taken the soul out of his father’s blameless body! But, what could we do?! He just had to bare it, because the death is the destiny of one’s life. We won’t be finished by the bloody death. There should be an afterlife! If not, what would be the result of this damn being?!

Although it was so hard for me to satisfy him for all those events, I just did it and as the result, he began to maintain composure.

The funeral and every traditional ceremony passed.

It was day two, at the same time as the night mentioned, around 8pm, that he came to me trying to confess that if God takes something from you, he gives another better instead. I asked more about what he’d said and he started telling me something which I didn’t expect to hear at that certain time!

“When I was alone, sitting on my bed, crying out for the loss of my dad, I felt special warmth hugging me into her arms. At first I just felt that I was wrong. However, I was not! A pair of tender hands got mine and started to cry with me. They were my cousin’s. She was there holding my hands too tightly that I hardly felt loneliness.”

“It’s right that you have lost your father! But you have got lots of things. Look around you. What can you see? Isn’t there anything appealing to you?! Don’t you think that you’ve lots of things?” Paula had said.

“I’ve got no goddamn thing! Just look around! What do I have that you’re just keeping repeating these fucking sentences?! “Parham answered.

“Parham, you’ve got me! I love you, dear...”

Who could predict that? It is really rare to face love in this kind of situation. However, it’s not impossible.

Having heard the sentence “I love you” had driven Parham crazy. Actually he hadn’t expected his cousin to tell him such a thing. There had been relationships between them, but a simple cousinhood one and not more! But, now the relationship was getting changed! It was about to appear in the body of Love, which would definitely be different to the other one.

“What should I do Enrique? I’m in two minds. She’s driven me crazy. She has given me the rarest thing in the world. She’s given me love. She kissed me on lips, Enrique! Do you believe that?” said Parham as he was so confused.

I just told him nothing. It could be a miracle or something alike. What do you say? Isn’t it a sort of miracle? How could something happen at the exact moment you lose another to provide you with something instead? At least I do believe that it should be!

How do you judge? Just put yourself into Parham’s shoes. If you were him, would you accept her love or you just overlooked that and let her down?! What would be your answer?!

Nobody knows! Maybe the only thing that caused him to accept her love was the pale blue eyes of her which could never lie.

Maybe after that the fairy godmother had asked him to have something on behalf of him to forget the evil accident occurred for his father, he had wished her in his mind or the love itself.

Anyway, he replied to her love letter and started to play the game of love. But he didn’t think about what the result could be!

After around 2 months or even less, he came to me just like every night.

Having passed the sorrow of his father’s death, he was there again. However, I could see a cloud in the horizon of his eyes one more time. This time, it was turn to bare the sadness of love!

Yeah! She’d left him!

I’m genuinely confused! She came herself, on the exact time which she hadn’t to! And she left herself again without thinking about the fucking effects she may have on the boy!

Parham was about to commit a suicide, jumping off a lofty building in the downtown. But I convinced him that he hadn’t to!

The only thing that Paulo had thought about was a crush on Parham and nothing else! Or she just had wanted to sympathize with him in this way for a certain period of time.

Anyway, she left him forever as a beloved and the only things she left were hatred and grudge.

He still hates all the girls…

THE END

Matthew's Love Story

How to start, I don’t know!

Really don’t know. I’ve never tried to exaggerate. However, I’m afraid if I relate this so called STORY, you may think that I’m trying to pour on the charm...

Let me have a flashback to about ten days ago. Not sure about the exact time…

Being on the way home, Matthew and I were speaking English just like usual. The difference was that, he, my best friend was not like ever... He was not trying to hide something, because he had never done so. However, his eyes wanted to tell one single thing, the word “Love”.

I was about to ask, that he told me himself. He was the sole speaker and I the mere listener.

The story starts from very beginning, when a brilliant eye-catching look grabs his attention. At first they all think that would be the same as the other looks. But it’s not…

How come a single seemingly simple look makes one’s life too complicated and changed?!... I wonder how the man, who had never even thought about love, could fall in love just like that! Needless to say, he was like me that night… I don’t mean that I’m looking down on him or something, but he was much closer to me than ever. He was always my friend and is and surely will be, but he was different that night… Now he could feel the warmth of Love, even in the first square of the game of love…

What motivate people to be, are Love and the sense it’s got, as far as I’m concerned.

He was so enthusiastic to explain about his only beloved, that it reminded me of the old time I had with my beloved. The more time passed the more eager to continue he was.

Everything was great except one sole thing! The problem was that, the girl, Julia I mean, was about to leave university forever. And yet Matthew hadn’t told her about the deep love he could feel towards her.

Walking all the way through home, we were discussing the ways he could use to tell her about his love. I went through all the details I knew about love and starting relationship, but it seems to be different… that’s sort of sophisticated one. Hardly ever had I faced so complicated a case of love in my life. Although I’ve not fallen in love with more than a person, I know a lot about that, because I’ve helped lots of my friends to get through it.

That was kind of half loving half passion, as he said, not certain about what he had said! However, I guess it should be just love. Since just love could cause someone feel like that, as I know.

I believe that if something is important to you and has a high priority in your everyday life, then it occupies your entire mind. So, how is it possible that something occupies you mind and gets your entire time just thinking about it? There should be something reasonable, and I guess the only logical thing that we can provide this case with, is LOVE, and nothing else could be instead.

Let’s get back to that night, the night in which we felt a huge mountain of love in the air. Nothing could stop that… every single living soul was in love that night…

Hearing the sound of our steps, being so fond of love, we were both worried about a sole nerve-wracking matter. The problem was nothing but my friend’s age. Having four years difference in age caused my friend feel sort of sad and hopeless. He was in two minds whether he had to tell her about his true love or he just bit the bullet till the end of the story of the life, or let’s say till the end of that term in university.

There are two possibilities. Whether Matthew tells her about his real love and she accepts to be his beloved for some time, or the girl rejects that and the communication breaks down forever.

There could be another possibility, too. Maybe Julia would accept his love, but not as a real love. I mean maybe she just pretends to love him and what Matthew will be doing would be just carrying a torch for her.

The nature of love is to make people unable to think and decide thoroughly! As it’s said, love is like a sand clock. When it starts working, it melts into the heart of both persons, but it takes the ability of deciding logically. Just like the sand clock itself. It pours the sand into the lower bowl, while it’s emptying the upper bowl.

When it comes to explaining the main reason of falling for someone, there won’t be any. Actually that’s because it’s not you who chooses the love. That’s love itself…

Nowhere on the earth can we feel the lack of loving, because the earth is alive, and life is nothing but love…

Holding my breath for minutes under the water, closing my eyes, hearing nothing but the excellent sound of silence, I was just thinking about them, one day as I was in the swimming pool.

But you want to try this brilliant experience, just go down to the lowest depth you can in the water, close your eyes, and just listen. Listen to the sound of water. What’s it going to tell you? Think about life, yourself, her and the endless love you can have between.

Having your breath kept, still thinking about the unlimited world you have provided yourself with, try to open your eyes… here it is… the new world of yours which you can see through the half-opened eyelids… the world of Love. The only glorious endless world you can ever imagine…

Not more than three hours elapsed after I got out of the pool, that I received a message from the one whom I’m writing all these for…

You are right! It could be no one, but Matthew, the boy who was between a rock and a hard place. The message was from him.

Feeling sorely vexed, I was so flabbergasted by what I could see on the display screen of my cell phone.

Oh my God! Who can believe this?! It’s really not fair. Someone loves the other one, and frankly says whatever he has from the deepest parts of his heart. However, what he receives would be a simple meaningless “NO”. Hell with that… So, what’s the reason of this damn world?! Are they all in vain?! Is it really possible not to love someone, or love someone who is no going to be anymore?! What would you call this, God?! So where is the fairness? Who would be responsible for all these failures in life? It would certainly not be a simple regular failure in the life…

Once in a life time, you fall in love with someone, you love her so much that you are ready to sacrifice yourself for her, almost every bit of your body will filled up to capacity with each letters of the word “Love”, but what you may face very rarely, would be a huge iceberg between you two!

“I couldn’t make it! I told her last night. However, she didn’t accept. Everything is supposed to be just like before, a simple meaningless relationship, without “Love”.”

It was what he had told me that evening.

What do I have to say now?! Will there be anything to talk about? I just think that it’s so simple, and doesn’t need to be blown out of proportion.

That was all a real so called story which has happened to one of my best friends. I just cross my fingers for him and wish him and Julia a great future apart from each other.

As the last sentence I just have to confess that I genuinely cannot overlook the stunning shine of love in his eyes. Hope he finds his true everlasting love soon and so do I!                                              Towards that day